The Methods of
Mass Instruction
Faraday Evening Skit, April 27, 2004
© Igor Tsukerman
2004. (However, there are several co-authors that you may recognize.)
First of all, this is not a skit. This is a play. It
would be correct to identify this as a play of truly Shakespearean proportions,
only if it were not so insulting to everyone involved. If you are, for example,
a man or a woman, you’ll be offended by this play. If you are a University
professor, you’ll be offended by this play even more. And of course if you are,
for example, the Dean, there is no way you can stomach it. If you happen to be
one of the people just identified, you may want to leave immediately.
Unfortunately, because of the new FCC regulations,
the play had to be severely redacted. It had to go through very rigorous and
long tests devised by the Department of Homeland SexPurity. For example, every
mention of xxxxxx, xxxxxx and other body parts
seen from less than a mile away had to be deleted, as well as the comments
about one of the xxxxxx
brilliant members of our college. The names of characters had to be redacted,
too, so that no real people could be identified, for example: Alex xxxxxx, Nathan xxxxxx, Erik xxxxxx and Dr. xxxxxx Grover. Any resemblance to real persons is
purely coincidental.
The Cast of Characters
- Alex-George W.
Bush-Garcia, the incumbent President. Seeking the vote of Mexican
immigrants, recently picked up some Spanish.
- Richard
Hartley-Cheney, the Vice-President. Often held at an undisclosed NASA
location.
- Hillary Rodham
Carletta, future President. Favors VLSI - Very Large Scale Integration of the
government with healthcare, welfare, daycare, car care, fashion care, and
everything else.
- Gregory
Rumsfeld-Lewis, Secretary of Offence. Does not mince words.
- John F. Kerry,
alias John Heinz-Kerry, alias John Welch-Kerry. The Democratic candidate
supported by the Unions.
- Condoleezza Boden,
National SexPurity Advisor.
- Kofi Gaylord.
Manager of the laptop-for-food program. Consumed large quantities of food
in exchange for a one-for-ten deal on laptops: one computer for the price
of ten.
- Dominique de
Veillette, French Foreign Minister.
- William Jefferson
Proenza. Never had a relationship with Saddam, with Osama bin Laden, with
Hillary, and with ‘that Gaylord’.
- Saddam Tsukerman,
developer of Methods of Mass Instruction. A brutal dictator. Moonlights as
The Evildoer.
- The Dean. Ran a
very good campaign, with a large group of supporters called the ‘Deaniacs’
and a new money search engine called Google-Boondoggle. The engine ran out
of scream in Iowa.
- Okechukwu Powell,
Secretary of Communication. A real expert in communication. Developed a
new Global Positioning System. The
Global Positioning System is based on the most recent edition of the Kama
Sutra.
- Larry King – Dead
or Alive! The host of Continuous Nonsense Network.
- Malik O’Reily, the
talking head. Never bloviates.
- Iqbal Blix, UN
Inspector of Mass Instruction.
- Miscellaneous
characters: students, politicians, language barriers, pockets of
resistance, chorus.
Act 1, Scene 1
THE OVAL OFFICE.
PRESIDENT ALEX W. GARCIA AND
VICE-PRESIDENT RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
ALEX W. GARCIA
The world is out of joint completely, dear Dick.
How can we put it back together real quick?
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
What shall we do? I’m not yet sure, but –
Whenever you’re in doubt, kick some butt!
GEORGE W. GARCIA
Some butt or not some butt - that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against the evildoers,
And by opposing end them?
RICHARD CHENEY-HARTLEY
I think the biggest problem is Saddam
He hates us all; with spite his teeth he clinches.
Besides, he always sends me lots of spam
And offers me to gain five extra inches.
Enter OKECHUKWU POWELL, GREGORY
RUMSFELD-LEWIS
GEORGE W. GARCIA
My friend Oke, we hath much talk’d of you;
Your visitation shall receive such thanks
As fits a king’s remembrance.
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
You may have heard that things are pretty bad:
There is this madman there in Baghdad
Who has developed Tools of Mass Instruction;
United Crooked Nations must take action.
ALEX W. GARCIA
UN is impotent, but then who else would dare?
Or simply put, who would these fardels bear?
OKECHUKWU POWELL
My GPS will trace Saddam’s position,
We’ll get the guy, accomplishing the mission.
GREGORY RUMSFELD-LEWIS
We shall exterminate that ugly snake.
I will myself Saddam’s quietus make
With a bare bodkin!
Act 1, Scene 2
WHITE HOUSE, BIPARTISAN MEETING ON
EDUCATION
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY, KOFI
GAYLORD, THE DEAN & THE DEANIACS, HILLARY RODHAM (FUTURE PRESIDENT), CONDI
BODEN (NATIONAL SEXPURITY ADVISOR), CHORUS
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
Day after day, across the whole nation,
The fight is on for better education.
Our cabinet will always lead that fight,
Till no child’s behind is left (or right).
THE DEANIACS
We want to understand, and so does the Dean,
Exactly whose behind you literally mean?
We’ll go to Harvard! We’ll go to Akron! We’ll go
to Princeton! We’ll go to Akron! Yeeeeeeah!
KOFI GAYLORD
Cut the protesting, forget the excuses
I want information on President’s plan.
Are breakfasts and lunches and dinners included?
If you have free lunches, I am your man.
CHORUS
If you’ve got free lunches,
Gaylord is your man.
Free lunches, free dinners,
Gaylord is your man.
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
Regrettably, because of budget crunches,
We are unable to provide the lunches.
But let me tell you: this administration
Exposes to higher education
The left behind of our whole nation.
HILLARY RODHAM
Let me give you my advice
Right away, at no price.
To be happy, to be healthy,
To succeed and to be wealthy,
Use my clear simple tools,
Follow Clinton’s trusted rules:
Take a village, raise a child,
Never ever go wild,
Always strive to reach perfection,
Vote for me the next election,
Do not lie and do not steal,
Watch the sequel to “Kill Bill”,
Buckle up, avoid infection,
Do not cheat, but wear protection!
HILLARY RODHAM (CONTINUES, TURNING TO CONDI BODEN)
Yes, education is our noble goal.
Through knowledge you will elevate your soul
And leave the burdens of domestic life
To other people who enjoy the strife.
When one gets married, intellectual
Pursuits are simply ineffectual.
How can one think when all one’s time is spent
In housework and domestic argument?
Please, set your mind at high consideration
And think a bit of mother's liberation.
Oh, Condi, it is truly rapturous
To study differential calculus!
It's hard at first, but what a satisfaction
The first time you make sense of such abstraction!
Read Blaise Pascal on probability,
Boyle’s elements and Milton’s history,
And Newton’s orbit of the moon! It’s thrilling!
Such studies are rewarding and fulfilling.
This wealth of knowledge is what should inspire
you,
And not some man who thinks he might desire you,
And make you slave to laws devised by men.
Philosophy must be your husband then.
Its very nature serves to elevate
Our souls to heights at which we may create
Environs where our lust can have no sway,
Where carnal passions can be kept at bay.
Thus, thoughts of pleasure have no ill effects
And one can turn one’s back on S-E-X.
Act 2, Scene 1
STRATEGIC MEETING AT THE WHITE HOUSE
ALEX-GEORGE W. GARCIA, RICHARD
HARTLEY-CHENEY, JOHN F. KERRY, THE DEANIACS, CHORUS
RICHARD HARTLEY-CHENEY
To our deep dissatisfaction,
This brutal Tsukerman Saddam
Developed tools of mass instruction
For all the spammers sending spam.
An awful lot of junk he’s storing;
For CIA it’s so boring
To watch Saddam all day and night;
The CIA is always right.
He’s got two sons: Uday – Qusay,
He loves them now more than ever
And trusts them fully; however,
They both work for CIA.
Saddam himself - the evildoer
Deserves to end up in a sewer.
ALEX W. BUSH-GARCIA
Who’d bear in Iraq the whips and scorns of time,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
JOHN F. KERRY
Always never I before
Was against what I was for.
I was for against the war,
But don’t want it any more.
Bush is always telling lies,
When he sits and when he lies,
When he stands and when he walks,
When he bumbles, when he talks.
He pretends and he misleads,
Covers up his nasty deeds,
Even when one day he dies,
He will still be telling lies.
CHORUS
Kerry votes for the war,
He’s against what he is for,
Kerry’s even more a bore,
More a bore than Albert Gore!
THE DEANIACS
We hate this war! We hate this Bush! Make
education, not war!
We’ll go to Harvard! We’ll go to Akron! We’ll go
to Princeton! We’ll go to Akron! Yeeeeeeah!
GEORGE W. GARCIA
Saddam must go - ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. Must be put to sleep.
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off his mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
JOHN F. KERRY
This President’s plan is inept and is lame,
This President’s plan is a sham, is a shame,
George Bush is a failure, the war is a scam
We’ll never get rid of Saddam and his spam.
I always and never love-hated this war,
I’m frequently seldom against what I’m for,
This war is a failure, this war is a scam
We’ll never get rid of Saddam and his spam.
This President’s plan is inept and is lame,
This President’s plan is a sham, is a shame!
CURTAIN CLOSES.
Act
2, Scene 2
PRESS CONFERENCE: SADDAM &
METHODS OF MASS INSTRUCTION
GREGORY RUMSFELD-LEWIS, LARRY KING –
DEAD OR ALIVE, IQBAL BLIX, WILLIAM JEFFERSON PROENZA, CHORUS, JOHN F. KERRY,
DOMINIQUE DE VEILLETTE, MALIK O’REILY
GREGORY RUMSFELD-LEWIS
Lo, the Butcher tried to hide,
But we took him for a ride.
We accomplished our goal,
Plucked him out of his hole.
It’s a pleasure and delight:
He is captured and de-liced.
LARRY KING – DEAD OR ALIVE
Some people say – with no Methods found,
This whole war had no legal ground.
IQBAL BLIX
Close your eyes,
Close your eyes
And relax
Think of nothing tonight.
CHORUS
Close your eyes,
Close your eyes
And relax
Think of nothing tonight.
Everything’s all right,
Yes, everything’s all right, yes.
LARRY KING – DEAD OR ALIVE
But I repeat
– with no Methods found,
This whole war had no legal ground.
JOHN F. KERRY
We were told that they were there,
They were there, everywhere.
But they never have been found,
On, above or underground.
No methods, no trace,
In Saddam’s entire place.
Could not find them here and there,
Could not find them anywhere.
Did not find them in his hat,
Did not find them in his cat;
Did not find them in his boat,
Did not find them in his goat,
Could not find them here and there,
Could not find them anywhere.
Did not find them in his cars,
Did not find them in his jars;
Could not find them in his trucks,
Could not find them in his trunks;
Could not find them here and there,
Could not find them anywhere.
Bush is always telling lies,
When he sits and when he lies,
When he stands and when he walks,
When he bumbles, when he talks.
He pretends and he misleads,
Covers up his nasty deeds,
Even when one day he dies,
He will still be telling lies.
DOMINIQUE DE VEILLETTE
France – the leader of the world -
Always is tenacious,
Many, many times she told
The United Nations:
No worries, no rush,
Let’s drink wine and not be brash,
Let us drink and let us dance,
Give Saddam another chance!
MALIK O’REILY (TO DOMINIQUE DE VEILLETTE)
Dance? I could not care less!
Do not give me this BS.
I will tell you what I mean,
Absolutely no spin.
Brave Geraldo took some pics
Of Saddam and you and Blix
In the palace where you met,
With all three of you in bed!
DOMINIQUE DE VEILLETTE (CRACKING UNDER MALIK’S
PRESSURE)
Pardón, I confess… yes, imbedded in bed
I was with Saddam, but he’s gone, and it’s fine.
Sweet deals and sweet kickbacks we’ll quickly
forget
Let’s go and savor some wonderful wine!
EVERYBODY LEAVES FOR A COCKTAIL
PARTY.
STAGE LIGHTS GO DARK, CURTAIN
CLOSES.
Other skits: Never
Give Up! (May 1997) and New
Ventures (April 2001)
Compumag diary
(Sapporo, 1999)
